The Kind Point April 24, 2026

NUMBERS

Hi! I'm Jeff, if you're reading this, it's because I view you as someone I'd want to sit down over matcha and chat about life with. I'll be sending this newsletter out every few weeks or so. If it's not your jam, feel free to unsubscribe, I won't be offended!

Give me a frickin’ break!

That was my first thought when I read an onslaught of online comments the other day in response to CNN reporting on a website (Warning: This report contains details of sexual assault.) where men share tips about drugging their wives and girlfriends to have sex with them.

The comments, all from men, could be drilled down to one theme: Well, it’s awful, but it’s not 62 million viewers, the way CNN initially reported. It’s just a thousand viewers, a subset of a porn site. Outliers. Let’s make sure we report accurate numbers.

First of all, let’s remember how numbers work: If a site like this has been infiltrated and exposed, it means that there are others that haven’t been. Probably lots. Tip of the iceberg and all that.

Secondly, a “let’s make sure we report accurate numbers” is an unequivocally inappropriate response to the fact that an online group of men are teaching each other how to drug and rape women.

Inappropriate. Not to mention a total deflection.

You know what is appropriate? Outrage. Grief. Compassion for the victims. Or at the very least a mental reckoning, like, “Wow, I really don’t want this to be true. I find myself looking for loopholes, because the reality of this, the implication of this, terrifies me.”

Another appropriate response? “Men, can’t we do better? Can’t we, as sons, brothers, nephews, uncles, friends, and coworkers stop fudging statistics and actually be helpful?”

Here’s what we men have to ask ourselves: If we notice that we felt relief once we learned that it wasn’t 62 million viewers, if we moved on to the next newsworthy story, why? Why are we relieved? And why did we move on? Did we think we were off the hook? Don’t forget how numbers work. Don’t forget about the rest of the iceberg lurking beneath the water.

Not all men, right? Well, it’s always men (And don’t come at me with, “Women are violent, too.” Seriously, just don’t.) When we men use our voices to say, “Let’s only do accurate reporting,” and “I don’t do that, nor do any of my friends,” we’re skirting the issue. And encouraging others to do the same. Which is, of course, being part of the problem

(Also, we don’t know what our friends do online).

It’s all men until most men stop some men.

Period.

To the men reading this: If you say, “But what can we do?” I’ll remind you that we do know what to do. We just don’t do it: talk to other men about this. Because it’s a men’s issue.

If the idea of having these kinds of conversations with other men scare you, ask yourself why. Are you afraid that they would retaliate? Attack you? Victimize you? If so, you’re in the ballpark. You’re actually looking at the fact of male violence, not spinning stats to hide from a nasty reality.

I personally get scared every time I bring the topic of male violence up with other men. Every time. Because I know what we, as men, are capable of when we’re at our worst. But I do it because I also know what we’re capable of when we’re at our best.

This is not our best. Not by a long shot.

I’ve read that righteousness is not a very inviting tone for a newsletter. Better to be more magnanimous. More open-minded. That people want happy stories to offset the stressors of daily life.

I’m just not feeling it today, friends. Putting a “whoa, let’s keep this in perspective” spin on the news story isn’t being kind. It’s being dishonest, to the detriment of every female on this planet.

Because seriously, give me a frickin’ break!

Something Kind

What I'm Reading ​ What I'm Reading ​The Priory of the Orange Tree​ by Samantha Shannon I'm on the third book in this fantasy series. It's smart. Amazing world-building. Queer characters whose existence fits right in with everyone else. Very cool, different cultures. And some dragons now and then. ​Buy it here​

What I'm Watching ​bdownpatriarchy​ Amy tackles patriarchy in a beautiful, consistent, and clear way. This post isn't about the CNN article, but it IS a great response to "but sexism doesn't exist anymore." She's a great person to follow. ​Watch it here​

What I'm Planning ​The Kind Lab​ ​Next Session: May 14, 2026 Nina Simonds and I will be exploring the pathway of vulnerability, a.k.a "how not to coach with a defended or walled-off heart." We'd love to have you join us in the laboratory. ​Register here​